Friday, June 15, 2007

pink light

i have so little to say these days, and the only explanation for it that i can come up with is that i'm just too dang happy, and happy translates to boring, on paper anyway. i recently had an email exchange with psmee that gets to some of what's going on that's left me wordless. i mentioned, sort of off-handedly, that i'd stopped missing my loneliness and subsequently launched into this manic phase that continues today. she responded,
that's an interesting concept- you've stopped missing your lonliness. it's almost like you had so much time to be a single girl that lonliness was your "thing," your M.O., in a way.

to which i replied,
yeah, my loneliness was kind of my partner for so long - you put it well when you say that it was my "thing" - i owned it really well and was comfortable with it, so much so that when it was gone, it felt like losing a friend. it was a place i could always go in my head, and it was something i drew strength from. weird, but true. so i mourned the loss of it for quite some time.

i want to clarify, my loneliness was rarely something that got me down - VERY rarely. most of the time it fortified me, kicked me in the pants to attend this event where i wouldn't know many people, go out with that new friend even though i didn't really know what to say to her, and, in quieter times, write things and get all introspective. it's no secret that pain inspires art, and while NOTHING i have produced would be considered art, it's true for me too.
it's nice, though - now i've stopped mourning and get to more fully enjoy the fantastic things going on all over - the marriage of ernie, lots of quality time with my sister, my satisfying job, my fabulous cat, the beach with sara, the upcoming trip to france with my whole family AND my cam. i'm incredibly lucky, and at long last i can finally revel in it, and appreciate it fully.

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