Porch Gazing

Delighted as I am to have a sweet express bus that takes me from work to home, I really love to Metro to the stop nearest to my place, then walk the remaining mile or so. It's a great walk through neighborhoods and parks, and it's so uniquely D.C. It defies easy categorization - it's very much the city, as every part of my route is just blocks from a major commercial road dotted with bodegas and liquor stores. Garbage collects in the gutters, and buses barrel through. But the on my route I pass houses, some in rows of 3 or 6, some linked for entire blocks, and many stand freely. Today there were spring flowers everywhere - daffodils in bright bunches, forsythia exploding along fences, and whatever that bush is that grows more vertically than forsythia, but in branches like forsythia, and has blushing reddish flowers. Gorgeous.

Someday I will have a house, and my house will have a front porch. The ceiling of that porch will be painted some beautiful color. I've loved that bit of unexpected color since college, when I first walked onto my friend Erica's porch and looked up to see a periwinkle "sky." Today I saw a rainbow of porch ceilings- pine green, sky blue, a bright yellow, a lot of brick red. But my favorite was this unbelievable super-saturated rose color. I'd never have picked it, but it made my heart skip a little. Sign of a good color, I'd say. And I bet it looks beautiful in the evening, sun setting and candles lit.

Stupid Pineapple Express

First of all, Cam's still not home. And I still don't know when he will be. Hopefully just another week or so. But that's not what I came here to talk about.

You know those red boxes full of DVDs popping up at grocery stores and McDonald's and elsewhere? It's a great idea - a DVD for a buck a day, no late fees. Helps fill in the gaps between Netflix rentals, or satisfies an unpredicted urge for a movie night. Good stuff! But wait. There's a catch... And I can't believe I'm the only person who's gotten trapped.

While all of these machines seem to be red, they are actually run by two different companies, DVD Play and Redbox. They look quite similar, though, and function the same way, so I didn't realize that. You can see it coming, I'm sure - I rented a DVD Play disc and returned it at a Redbox. And then found a $28 charge on my credit card for Pineapple Express, the movie I'd "failed" to return.

I can hardly believe I'm alone here. I know it's my own fault for not paying closer attention, but it seems like they've got kind of a racket going on. I'm not litigious, but this little runaround really makes me wonder.

Holding Down the Fort

Some sun and my man. That's all I'm asking for. It sounds so simple, but sun's been in short supply for weeks, and so has Cam. I still don't have a return date for him. Not soon enough, I can tell you that much.

It's weird, all this time living solo. I've never lived by myself before, and it's something Enna recommended I do at some point. There are certainly things I like about it - the eating with my fingers, the regular gym trips, the healthy food and the much lower alcohol intake. I had a fantastic weekend in Philadelphia with sister & bro-il, not to be beat. I lunched with a dear friend, visited Cam's family, and helped his sister register for her upcoming wedding. I've been out with neighborhood friends, been to two parties and a show, and dined at a new buzzy restaurant. I've taken myself - driven myself, walked myself, metro'd and bussed myself - to each event, and it's been a pleasant reminder of the first couple of years I lived in the city, during graduate school. It's fun to reconnect with it, to enjoy it on foot and on metro.

Other parts of me, however, are suffering. I don't mean the obvious - hugs and affection and laughter and love and conversation and checking-in and partnership. While I've been super productive, my creative impulse, fragile at best, is now dormant once again. I'm taking an online course designed to help me with that, and can barely muster the will to complete the assignments... And I paid for the class. I'm not really sure what to do about that.

Still and all, I'm taking good care of myself and our kitties.

Sitting This One Out

Today's Ash Wednesday, and as a non-religious sort, that means at least once today I was surprised by the smudge on a stranger's forehead*, but not much else. I'm intrigued, though, by the way all sorts of folks have popularized Lent as a sort of temporary New Year's, a time for resolutions that you only have to keep for 40 days. Some give up Facebook, others, carbs. I've toyed with the idea, since I'm always game for self-improvement exercises, but this is one that just doesn't resonate with me. And you know what? I'm ok with that. I love cultural fusions and sharing, I love finding what works for me in the systems of others. But it's also kind of cool that there's a tradition that's got nothing to do with me, that means so much to a certain subsection of the faithful. I don't judge the apropriators one bit, and I like watching what they come up with. But I'll sit this one out. Come my birthday, though, and you'll see me make resolutions a-plenty.

*Today, at work, a colleague and I reminsced -- in vivid detail -- about watching Robert Novack, years ago, on Crossfire on Ash Wednesday. His smudge was melting down his forehead, under the TV studio lights.

Sweeney and the Snowflakes

The forecasters have been predicting snow in D.C. for a while now, but last night, we finally got some. I woke up to a darker, more silent bedroom than usual, but didn't make much of it. I clicked on the radio, then headed out to feed the cats. Not too much later I heard the school closings, which can mean anything from a dusting to several feet. I took a peek behind the blind, and we had a little more than a dusting, but it was coming down pretty hard, with big, fat flakes blowing around.

I can't be sure, but I think it was Sweeney's first real snow. I pulled up the blind and plopped her on the windowsill. She zeroed in on those flakes pretty quickly, though Winston couldn't really be bothered. I shouldn't be suprised, I guess -- she is the cat who watches TV. Seriously. Whatever crap I've got on, she'll tune into for a bit. She'll sit on the floor right by the coffeetable, looking up at the screen on the wall, nodding her head a bit as she follows the action. Pretty cute.

Beans for the Beast

I have a secret.

When Cam's out of town - which isn't infrequent - I like to eat my dinner with my fingers. Last night I made a dipping sauce of greek yogurt and horseradish. I dunked cold steak and hot roasted baby potatoes, and it was nearly as good as the hot steak and roasted potatoes dinner Cam whipped up the night before. Dip, dip. And haricot vert on the side, sprinkled with salt. Next to the horseradish, the beans tasted so sweet.

About those green beans. I placed the plate of steak and beans next to the stove, then sat on the couch while I waited for the potatoes to re-heat. I looked down at my laptop for a few minutes, then realized Winston was on the counter, facedown in my plate. As soon as I looked up he felt my eyes and flew off the counter and under the chair, his prize in his maw. And what did he have firmly clenched between his teeth? Steak? Nope. A green bean.

Weirdo.

Two Little Bits

One, for me to remember when I'm having a hard time getting myself to do something:

Motivation is an effect, not a cause.

Two, for everyone, because I like it:

failure, pure and simple

so, clearly, i failed at nablopomo. but i'm a pretty stubborn kind of girl, so i'll try again next month. look for all sorts of resolutiony things, like typing with proper capitalization. and taking more photos. which shouldn't be hard because DRUMROLL PLEASE...

I GOT MY DREAM CAMERA FOR CHRISTMAS. well, sort of. what i actually unwrapped on christmas day (evening - a whole other story, but basically i work christmas so my family gets all millenial on things and time-shifts the whole affair to the evening. it's great. pajamas, coffee, waffles, bacon, presents, and adult beverages. plus my sister and her husband get the morning for his family, cam for his, and santa for last minute stage-setting.) was a block of wood in the shape of my camera, with a picture of my camera pasted to the front, and all sorts of switches and buttons and tripod mount and an sd card slot drawn on. it was freaking adorable, and nearly as awesome as the fact that though it is on backorder, at some point in the hopefully not-too-distant future, i will own a canon g10. thanks, cam, bbe!

in fact, a block of wood was not the only sorry/rad present i got. i also got a rock from my sister, on which she wrote "lump of coal." she buried this rock in the center of 8 layered boxes, each wrapped. it was a bit of subterfuge in case i remembered what she got me, which i didn't, so it came as a complete surprise when i unwrapped this badass watch in a nice normal watch-sized box. thanks, enna! fyi, winston has already chewed many little kitty teeth-holes into the strap. because he is a punk. but i love it (and him) anyway.

speaking of the cats (and don't pretend you aren't dying for an update), we had kitty christmas yesterday. winston and sweeney got a catnip lightning bolt, a new attachment for the fishing pole, cat grass, and new crunchy treats. it seems that in spite of the cereal-box-vampirism*, stinky butt problem*, and absolute refusal to sit for nail trims**, santa decided to visit. i tell you, winston must have been just a whisker from the naughty list.

*that's winston, and winston again.
*that's sweeney. she's actually really well-behaved.

december, so far

12 hours driving
11 skipped workouts
10 dollar secret santa
09 yards of pine roping
08 hours baking
07 minor freakouts
06 out of town gifts
05 hours at the maaaall!
04 etsy shops
03 homemade treats
02 engagements
and a beautiful baby olivia!

just killing time

nablopomo means one thing for sure: kitty neglect. all the time i spend with my laptop in my lap is time spent with winston staring at me from the coffee table, walking on the keyboard, or smooshing his head into my leg trying to shove the computer out of the way. sweeney's a little better at dealing because she's so small, and she likes being beside me as much as sitting on me anyway, so.

here i am blogging about my freaking cats again. it seems to come to this, because when cam's out of town (which is a lot), i spend much of time at home with them. and work's been kind of intense lately (in a good way, i'm learning a new job). and i haven't been reading enough. and when he's gone, i watch too much tv. and that's not conducive to the deep thoughts. i could do a blog about crappy tv, but that would necessitate admitting how much of it i'm conversant in. right now i'm watching some poor kid on true life (oh, how i love true life) take his date to the prom, chauffered by his dad in the family minivan, in which, of course, the air conditioning is broken. and they're the first to arrive. awkward. an observation: how come high school girls think that if their dress is long, it's ok that it's extraordinarily slutty on top? like, cut to the bellybutton, and exposing the inside half of each breast? not classy. my prom dress was short, but i'm grown and not embarassed when i see pictures, so i still think it was ok.

deep thoughts, people. deep thoughts.

the good good news!

ok so i know i said i was going to get all deep and thematic and organized on this blog, but i can't right now, there's too much good news! first of all, baby olivia is doing well! her surgery got moved up because she's so strong, and the hospital staff (and her wonderful parents) continue to be delighted and amazed with her recovery. so go o go!!!

secondly, aaaah! my bff hamm just got engaged! the details are incredible: a firetruck, a professional sports mascot, bobbleheads for all her students, and a beautiful ring: a row of pink sapphires. if you know my girl, you know how perfect this all is. i'm sooooo happy for her and her beloved - he's a great guy who moved down here to be with her, and i've never doubted his love for her for a second, nor hers for him. i'm just delighted for them. hooray! it's so nice to have some things to celebrate!

taking stock

today's blog marks the halfway home point on this blogging-everyday-for-a-month experiment. in taking stock, i give myself credit for only missing one day so far. not bad! unfortunately, though, i'm not doing what i want to do most of the time. i don't want to just blog life updates. blah blah i did this last night. i think i'll be able to come up with more compelling things to write about when i don't have a daily deadline, but at the same time, i like the daily rigor and worry that without it, this blog will just languish. plus, i want this blog to be interesting to people who don't know me. and right now it's just like any of a million billion other blogs on the web - girl has cats, has job, has boyfriend. occasionally cooks an interesting meal. borrrrring. there's no theme, there's no drama. and i haven't figured out the public/private thing yet, either.

i have this idea for another blog. i even started it, to dibs the title. i was inspired, as so many have been, by dooce's blog. she makes you care about her life, with her wit and her honesty. her photography is gorgeous, and she has a strong point of view on design. i really admire her and her site, and i'd like to, on a teeny-tiny scale, emulate it in some ways. i'm thinking, to really do it, i'm going to need about three themes, three gimicks, three pieces. i don't even really know how to articulate it. i've got one in mind, and i think the other two are within reach. i just need to spend a bit of time with it. and, oh yeah, i need this. really, i need it! ok maybe need is too strong a word. does anyone know, if i put ads on my site, does that make it a business, so i could write the camera off? just wondering...

photo sesh

this is too funny not to share.

well, actually, i can't share it, exactly. i haven't really figured out the line between my blog life and my real life, and to do so would mean posting a picture of me and cam on the internetz, associated with my fake name. and then, if anyone really cared to do so - as if anyone reads this blog who doesn't know me, anyway - they could figure out who i am. i think my biggest impulse for anonymity exists because of my job. it's a pretty incredible job, and i'd like to keep it. i can't imagine ever saying something that could get me in trouble there, but since i blog as part of my job, too, completely publicly, it just seems sort of... weird. so, right. anyway. back to the funny.

today enna and i were chatting about what to give our grandmother, our dad's mom. she wants for nothing, and doesn't like stuff. you know, the stuff that clutters. anyway, enna's got a perfect gift for her - a picture of her and her new husband on their honeymoon. grandma loves photos. so the question became, what should i do? enna suggested a picture of cam and i and our kitties, kind of funny, but sweet, too. i was a little sketched about it - is it jinx-y, since we're not married? but i decided if cam was in, i was too. i gchatted him about it, and through the miracle that is gchat, i got no response, which of ocourse made me wonder, "does he think it's weird? is this just too too?" but when he picked me up, i asked him about it, and he said yeah, didn't you get my response? "should we get matching sweaters?" that's cam. hilarious!

so we sat down tonight with the camera on a 10-second delay, in front of the tree, and tried to grab the cats and make them face the camera, smiling all the while. cam and i did ok - our pictures were pretty good - but the cats... not so much. unsurprising, sure, but hilarious in that winston, who's generally pretty agreeable and completely photogenic, kept turning his head to the side, away from the camera, in every shot. he looked like a crazy no-eyed devil. sweeney, on the other hand, just exuded pain in every picture. she detests being held. she'll join you for a cuddle, or sit on your lap, but don't try to restrain her. the girl cannot be contained. so, instead of a hilarious outtake from the shoot, you get the cats, trying to compose themselves after we finally gave up (after about 20 photos). we got a decent one, and we'll tell grandma the story. and the cats? they've fully recovered.

baby love

another weekend, another several hundred miles logged on scratch's odometer. but, as usual, it was worth it! i love philadelphia, and never have a bad time there. enna&her husband's party was every bit as fun as usual, and had a huge turnout of folks who drove hours to celebrate with them. they're so worth it! plus, they're incredible hosts. this morning i woke up and told cam i had a deam enna had a freezer full of eggo waffles for everyone's breakfast, and it wasn't a dream! we chowed on coffee, hash browns, and eggos, and slowly came back to life after a long, late night. squidpants came by to catch a ride home, and the three of us got back to dc by 3. cam and i decided we wanted steak for dinner and lucked into an amazing special - ny strip, $5.99/lb! we got enough for 2 meals each - actually, more like four, but when he set that beautiful piece of beef down in front of me, i knew there was no way i'd leave leftovers. i barely touched my potatoes, but i ate every bite of that steak!

and now the kitchen's clean, and we've got fresh flannel sheets on the bed, and the tree's glowing and we watched elf and all's right in the world. i'm so thankful for all of that, the little things, and for my wonderful cam and family. and every second my mind drifts, i'm thinking of just one thing, and if you all would too, i'd appreciate it. here she is:


she's beautiful olivia helen cheek, born a little too soon and spending some time growing and getting strong in the hospital. things are a bit touch and go for her, so if you have a spare second - staring out the kitchen window washing dishes, or folding laundry, or whatever - think of little olivia and her wonderful family and send them wishes of love, health, and strength. i know i am, as hard as i can.

mea culpa

i goofed! i failed to blog last night. i have a good excuse, though - i'm not blogging from work, which is where i spent most of my day, and right after work i hopped a metro train to alexandria to meet cam. he was out of town all week, and made it back just in time for date night. and i certainly couldn't blog on welcome-home-cam-date-night, now could i? so, i think what i'll do is a make-up blog at some point before the month is over. i think that's fair, and i've been doing well so far so i'm not going to beat myself up for it (an accomplishment in itself).

and now we're in the car flying up the interstate to philadelphia. we're late, of course. we have three parties to attend today, the most important of which is enna & her husband's annual bash, in philadelphia this year! it's always a great time, and i'm excited to hurry up and get there! we first made a (an enna-approved) stop by my cousin miche's annual open house. he's an incredible artist and architect - be sure to check out his work. it's a great event, and right up the road from where we live. and miche's wife bakes the most incredible bread... mmmm! this year he had a painting of some ibis in chincoteague that i particularly liked. he's also got an iconic sycamore that hangs in countless of my family's homes, including mine, dedicated to cam. i'll get a picture of that at some point. anyway, it was a lovely, if too-brief, gathering.

getting back

work today was like a strangely familiar. coming in, it was still somber. colleagues who met in the hall asked, just like any day, "how are you?" but instead of the usual banter, responses were measured. "ok, but it's a weird day." "you know, well, ok." "fine... ish." the day after layoffs is kind of like the gathering after a funeral. the grand statements have been made, the departed has been laid to rest. then everyone comes together, to eat, to remember. and, generally, at some point the mood lightens. that's what today was like. when we got to work, things were still pretty dour. we got through our work day, and met, like we usually do, after our final deadline. after some business, my boss posed the question, "so, how are you feeling now? are you all doing ok?" she's good about that, about checking in on us. at first, the responses were reactive, raw. many people, including me, were still having lingering "it's not fair" feelings, and some resentment toward management. but as we talked through it, we started talking about other things, and then joking, and laughing. and by the end of the meeting, we'd organized a secret santa exchange, and we all left feeling lighter. and so i think i'm feeling better. even saying that feels so callous, so... bougie. i still have a job. but the fact of the matter is that i can't mourn for the laid off forever. i should be grateful and appreciate what i have, and do the best i can with what i've got. it's all you can really do. it's just not always the easiest thing.

say it ain't so

photo by K@ja

blogging just doesn't feel right tonight. this afternoon, swirling rumors were confirmed, and exceeded. more than 60 amazing people got laid off at work today. everyone knows blogging about work is a dicey proposition at best, but i have to say something. for one, i'm incredibly grateful i didn't get the axe. i love my job, and i'm not just saying that because heads are rolling. i seriously do. two, i'm grateful to my boss. she's done an amazing job of making my division do a lot with a little, and i think we were spared today because of how hard she's pushed us. and i know that the people who had to make the hard decisions about who to cut did so with no joy. i do hope they made decisions that will see us through this recession without cutting more jobs. and finally, i have yet to hear the name of one of the 64 without thinking, "wow. s/he's on the list?" because they're all amazing. i hope they go on to bigger and better places than here, wilder successes, more complete fulfillment.

there are small comforts tonight. i enjoyed my second to last pilates class. pilates is a fantastic mental break - a friend of mine told me it's the only thing that tames her ADD, because you're concentrating so hard on sucking in your belly/squeezing your butt/articulating your spine/and don't forget to breathe! she's right, and for a full hour i didn't think about it.

i wish i could take a picture of my #1 comfort tonight, but of course, still haven't charged my camera yet. kitty bellies. that's not one of my kitties, but that's the right pose. if you have a sweet cat, just walk up to her when she's like this and bury your face in her fur. or, if you have a winston, like i do, just pick him up by the armpits (you know, like a kid), lift him to your face, drape his front paws on the top of your head, and press your face into his tummy. he loves it, i promise, and it does your psyche so much good.

called out

riding my bus home is rarely dull, and today was no exception. the driver had a virtually full bus, and as the riders started trying to convince him to skip stops because there wasn't any room left, he pulled into a packed one. he opened the door and hopeful commuters piled in, and he just kept imploring us to "move back! move to the back of the bus!" there truly wasn't any room, and it wasn't long till people started telling him about it. i should mention here that the bus is generally mostly full of african american folks, with a healthy dose of latinos, and, well, me. anyway, we've been sitting at the stop for what feels like ages, trying to invent room for more people, when one woman starts yelling out the bus's identification number, "twenty-eight-eleven," and directing people to call metro and report him. "stuff like this doesn't happen on connecticut avenue," she said, "because white people call. we can do that too! everyone call metro! twenty-eight-eleven!" she looked at me, then, and said "no offense! you can call too! you should call too!" i, of course, hadn't taken any offense, and soon enough the bus got going.

later in the trip i was thinking about how i could tell this story (i thought it was pretty funny, and i didn't even tell you about the little kid with the madagascar lemur toy that played "i like to move it move it" every five seconds), and describe how i've felt since i moved to my neighborhood, and how it's evolved. when i moved here - a neighborhood whose demographics mirror that of my bus line - i felt like everywhere i went, a spotlight was shining on my face. it wasn't that i got called out all the time or anything, though that has happened. but these days, i feel like most people who live here have gotten used to seeing me around, and i know quite a few of my neighbors on a first name basis. in reality, the dimming of the spotlight is probably much more about my comfort level than the way i'm actually perceived. i'll always be an anamoly, but i knew that coming in. anyway, i was thinking about all of this as i walked onto my block. there were three kids hanging out in front of what's known as "the bad house" - our lovely, busybody neighbor warned us about it soon after we moved. two, on bikes, looked to be third or fourth graders, and the third, maybe fifth or sixth. i gave them a pretty close look as i walked by to see if i knew any of them, didn't recognize anyone, and kept walking. in retrospect i know i could've said hello - i just tend to leave kids to their business - but i didn't, so they decided to. sort of. when i was just past their group, i hear, low and fast, "whitebitch." nice. i didn't really know how to react, so i just turned halfway around, still walking, and said, "funny."

so what should i have done, and what would you have done?

i've got my laptop to keep me warm

no, seriously. i just re-programmed the thermostat to a sensible 68 degrees when we're home, and the toes that froze on my way to work today still haven't thawed. i do have the most freakishly cold toes in history - ask cam - but i've got my laptop on my lap and toes tucked under my butt and seem to be making progress. because you asked.

the other thing that's going on right now is that both cats are sitting on one chair in the living room, staring up at this christmas ornament my favorite 8-year-old made - a little red clay heart looped with some raffia. the heat blowing on the raffia tie is making it flutter, and they're entranced. i better not get home from pilates tonight to find the tree toppled. i wish i'd charged my camera battery, it's pretty cute.

things have changed since my last make-do-with-a-smile post about the economy and a thriftier christmas. friday, 23 guys got laid off at cam's work, and today, rumors are swirling that my company's closing an entire office. it's too close to home, and i'm nervous. i think we'll be ok - cam and i both work hard to make ourselves indispensable to our companies - but there's no telling. it's weird. i've started worrying about the future (in a very priviliged person way, i know) like never before. for instance, it was always my intention to join a gym once i finished my session of pilates classes, but now, i'm worried it's a frivolity at a time like this. the contract's month-to-month, so i'm still thinking i'll join, but... it weighs on me (no pun intended).

ok now my foot's just plain old falling asleep. time to do some chores. the glamour!

portland, pt.2

saturday was an amazing day in portland. i wasn't feeling so hot - i'm fighting some strange bug, or something - but i was determined not to let it get us down. my friend fed us a huge breakfast of oatmeal, fruit, and coffee, and we headed out to pleasant mountain for a hike. she's... pretty nordic. she's incredibly fit, and outdoorsy to the point that it doesn't surprise me in the least to hear she's doing something called "frosty sailing," or some such, sailing in maine till christmas for a team. seriously. she's TOUGH. and amazing. anyway, she said the planned hike was 2.5 miles each way, and i agreed. what we didn't count on, however, was snow! we didn't make it to the summit, but enjoyed a great (challenging for me, breezy for her) hike, stopping to chat every five seconds not just because i was panting, but because we couldn't converse over the crunching of our icy steps. we were out for almost 3 hours, and i think somewhere toward the beginning of the hike i may have sweated out a fever, because i felt quite a bit better by the time we got back to her car. (note to self: heated seats are pretty great, and probably essential in maine)

after a quick stop for groceries and chicken soup for a little snack, we went back to her place for super hot showers and a change of clothes, then headed over to her friend ryan's house for... wait for it... lobsters! when in maine, right? she and ryan and their friends alyssa and aaron and i had an incredible lobster feast (i'm proud to say i went joint for joint with this table of maine-ers, chowing down on the crustaceans like a pro. extra props to alyssa, though, for going for the body meat!), complete with lobster bibs. we followed up the meal with brownie sundays and a game of mexican train dominoes, and i kicked their booties soundly, mt. rainier represent! and, of course, on this perfect maine trip, it was snowing when we left that evening, big fat flakes that we also got to wake up to. just enough to be gorgeous, but not to cancel our trip to boston today.

poking around boston today brought back great memories of the last time she and i and our good friend heather visited boston, years ago. we walked newberry street in the snow, popping in and out of shops, and picking up amazing sandwiches to eat in the car en route to the airport. it was a fantastic trip, a lovely weekend getaway, and it's also so nice to be home with my kitties, my cam, and my christmas tree, ready for another week. if it's not obvious, i'm thankful for friends.

ps. picture to come... my camera seems to be out of batteries, and it's time for bed.