more than anyone ever

man. sometimes i like to say "i can't cook," but that's sort of a lie. it's more complicated than that - i really enjoy cooking, but it's a pain in the butt for one person, and i so often put work and working out ahead of making a meal from scratch. it's just so much easier to boil some pasta or throw a salad together. the other reason i say it is that i don't like to, as a smart person once put it, "show stuff." i don't like to show stuff means i get shy about things like singing in public, playing sports, and cooking. anything that i could flop at i get nervous about. i know a certain level of performance anxiety is normal - it, hopefully, keeps us from doing things we really ought not do (like trying out for american idol, or hosting a dinner party for 12 on a weeknight). but mine's a bit more acute like that, to the point that i haven't really cooked for cam, and i told him i can't really cook. i mean, he's had a couple meals i've made, but one was a "stoup" i've made before and was totally confident about, and another time i just steamed shrimp and served it with fresh veggies. no rocket science there. plus, he cooks so well and easily that i haven't really needed to step up my game.

something changed, though, and i finally felt like i wanted to show my ability, and felt creative for the first time in a while. so last night i made stuffed pork chops (haha! just kidding! they were from trader joe's!), and two veggies that took some doing, even if they were simple. i made roasted sweet potatoes from psmee's bon appetit and snow pea linguini from this week's washington post food section. they were both simple, but foreign, and somehow i managed to get it all together and bring it all to the table hot. the potatoes were an absolute dream - roasted in a reduction of balsamic vinegar, brown sugar, and butter, then given a once over of fresh pepper. they literally melted in my mouth. the snow peas were fresh and so springy, with a crunch and a tang from the parmesan that set the sweet potatoes off perfectly. i really felt capable and creative and, well, proud.

so i guess my cover's blown. it was worth it!

C-A-P-S CAPS CAPS CAPS!

my roommate got sweet tickets to the caps game last night - she's a high school teacher, and the owner visited her school and left them with 2500 lower-level seats. she snagged a pair, so she met me at work, we parked the jeep, and headed down to the verizon center... to discover, much to our mutual dismay, that said tickets were nowhere to be found. we retraced our steps to no avail, and in a last-ditch effort, headed to will call, just in case some good soul had turned them in. alas, no. we pretty much thought the night was a bust, since the tickets weren't in her name, or anyone's, but the will call woman sent us to another window to talk to a guy pounding away at a laptop. he listened to our story, told us to hang on a sec, and produced two new tickets to (different) sweet seats. just like that. charmed!

the other best part of the night was a video they showed during a timeout of the caps' mascot, slapshot, taking on the exorcist steps in a jackass parody. it was called something funny (somehow jack shot and slap ass don't sound right, but it was something like that), complete with imitative logo, and featured slapshot sledding down the exorcist steps. it was hilarious.

home

president's day weekend was one of the best times of my life.

i realize what a huge statement that is, but it's absolutely true. maybe there are better times to come, and there have been comparable times gone by, but i feel confident this one will stand firm in the timeline of my personal history. i mean, what could be better than this?

cam and i went to buxton in cape hatteras, on the outer banks of north carolina. we'd been planning a friday-sunday trip to a local cabin, but when that fell through, we brainstormed a plan b over duke kebabs and my trusty road atlas. we started out looking west, but since that was the direction of the cabin we still plan to visit, we entertained other options. north, in february, didn't sound appealing, so we both cast our eyes south. cam said, "what about hatteras? ever been there?" and that was all it took. hatteras is the reason i cannot live without the ocean, the place i learned to swim, the site of my earliest memories of what a vacation should be. and i haven't been there in 20 years. every spring for at least a decade after our two visits my sister and i would pester my parents to reserve "our" cottage at the beach, and every year it didn't happen, for reasons i'd probably understand now but couldn't possibly at the time. so hatteras became a treasured memory and the template for my ideal vacation, even as an adult - a cottage on the beach in a sleepy town, where the sand is steps away and the crashing waves lull me to sleep and ease me awake.
clearly, i was in, and cam too had fond memories of fishing and camping on the cape, so we consulted my AAA guide, selected some potential motels, and started talking about a longer trip. up friday night after work and back late sunday morning became taking friday off, leaving early that morning, and not returning till late monday. i told him that since he was driving, i'd take care of our lodging. after a quick call to my dad, i got all the information for the place i'd stayed as a little girl, and when the proprietor of the outer banks motel picked up the line in buxton, i hardly needed to hear the rates - i was sold. i secretly booked a cottage instead of a room, and told cam we were all set.
the entire trip felt charmed, from the call i received with good news i was already too blessed to need , to the elderly gentleman dispensing mints and kind wishes to the diners at the chick-fil-a where we lunched, to the call from a friend offering a chance to see one of my favorite bands. as we drove down the outer banks i got a little anxious, hoping the place would be like i remembered, that cam would like it. we pulled into the lot and i knew everything would be ok - it looked exactly the same, a tidy, well-maintained (if larger) group of small buildings and cottages right on the beach. we checked in and the office smelled exactly like i remembered, and when we got our keys and directions to our cottage i knew we had the best one. 107 was all the way on the end, secluded, beachfront. perfect.
everything was just like i pictured my dream vacation - the ocean a constant companion, drinks on the porch under the stars, dolphins and pelicans always in view, sunrises over sparkly waves, sand underfoot, seafood dinners and warm coffee and swedish fish. and the best part: cam, whose idea of a perfect vacation so closely matched my own. it was incredibly difficult to leave (as evidenced by the splitting headache that hit cam as soon as we hit the district), and we've already made plans to return. i can't imagine it'll ever be as amazing as this first, revelatory trip, but i can't wait to find out.

snow & dopamine

well, snow and sleet have been falling past my office window all day, reminding me of the past two snowstorms we've had so far this year.

the first started in the late morning on a sunday, big soft flakes that started slow, then came down in earnest. the draft from the french doors was almost welcome, since it gave cam and i a legitimate reason to pile like puppies while watching the bears school the cinderella saints. later we headed into the city for the second game, tires crunching on the soft bed of snow. when it looked like the colts had no chance of recovery, we walked to a bodega for some ice cream and bonded with the regulars over their dramatic about-face.

the second was altogether different - small flakes falling hard in the evening, but difficult to make out even in the streetlights. i peeked out cam's front door to assess their hardiness, but quickly shut it against the cold. by morning an inch coated roofs and roads, trees and sidewalks... everything but my car. even though cam had to leave nearly two hours before i, in the dark and ever more daunting cold, he had still cleared the snow from all my car's windows.

i am a lucky girl.

so i've been thinking about my next tattoo. i absolutely love the one i have, and i think i'm ready for another. being around them all the time just makes me love them more, since they say so much about the people who have them, and they can truly be beautiful.

the first question for me was where to get it, and i'm pretty sure my lower back/rear is the answer. NOT in the center - no offense to anyone who has one there, but the "tramp stamp" label is not one to which i aspire, and i don't want it used in reference to me. i want it on my right side.

the second question is what. naturally, it has to be timeless and personal - something that has meaning for me, but not meaning for now, if that makes sense. my most permanent interest/preference is the water - if i can't get to the ocean, there better be a bay or at least a river nearby. large bodies of water center me, and the ocean, in particular, is such a part of my makeup that it's like a finger or a kneecap - essential, non-negotiable. i feel a pressure in me that grows and grows until i'm on a beach or a dock, when a feeling of calm immediately takes over. it's weird, but it's not unique. it's just me. that's one of the reasons i chose seagulls for my wrist. obnoxious as they may be, snatching sandwiches and dropping unwelcome missives from above, their presence means i've nearly reached my destination.

so what signifies the ocean? dolphins? no thanks - completely played out. i went through my dolphin phase just like many girls, and i still love seeing them at the beach, but it's done. fish? i don't fish, and i don't swim (much) in tropical waters. and so i'm back to birds. i'm thinking a pelican - my mom loves them and they make me think of her, plus they're incredibly fun to watch. so i found two photos. the first is from the world book (so hopefully posting it here is like posting it in a report?) and the second is from a photographer named riddimmaker:

any opinons on which is a better silhouette? i think this one's going to be full-color, if that makes any difference...

the last three months in flickr

i finally uploaded a bunch of stuff to flickr from the last couple of months. i know you're excited! here's a preview.

my only photo from boston.



post-thanksgiving sopas, delicious!



wizards!



cookie night!



christmas!



peach bowl!

unfortunately, nothing yet from new years, though i know there are some cute photos out there...

country music fisherwoman nascar chick

psmee warns me not to become her. i won't, but it's getting more attractive all the time!

top 10 albums of 2006

10. belle and sebastian: the life pursuit - finally, the belle and sebastian i used to love is back! they tested my patience with their 30-minute set at the 40 watt in college, then lost me completely with "fold your hands," but it seems the isobel scourge has finally lifted and the band has finally remembered how to have fun. "another sunny day" is classic b&s, "white collar boy" is swinging and a little grimy, and if you ever laid in your dormroom bed and listened to "if you're feeling sinister" feeling wistful, "dress up in you" will take you right back to that place. not that i ever did that. and that doesn't even touch the remaining 2/3 of the album, packed with songs sure to keep b&s dancenights well stocked for years to come (not that i've ever been to one... ok, busted again.).
09. tapes n tapes: the loon - noisy and unpredictable, this is probably the most straight-ahead "indie rock" album on my list. my sister first played me "insistor" early in the year (her smart BF put it on a cd for her) and the "i'll be your badger" refrain stuck in my head for months, but the album didn't really take with me, as a whole, till after i saw them live and realized i was bouncing along and chiming in with virtually everything they played. the relentless "cowbell" and soft "omaha" are other standouts that aptly demonstrate the range of the tapes' sound.
08. the weepies: say i am you - this is absolutely the album on this list about which i am most embarassed, but i couldn't honestly leave it off. i first heard the weepies on npr's "weekend edition saturday." in the interview, deb talan - half of the weepies - describes how she and her bandmate/husband, steve tannen, got the name from old movies that guaranteed a good cry - weepies. she says, "we want to be able to provide that for people. we want to make music that touches them and moves them in that way; the place where tears come from, for joy and for sorrow." barf, right? i mean, can you get any more sappy? but there's something incredibly honest in that objective that carries me past the cringe factor, and while the songs don't make me cry, they're definitely affecting. the production is rich and warm, and songs like "take it from me" and "world spins madly on" make me crave a rainy day and a fireplace. the round-like refrain from "gotta have you" (no amount of coffee/no amount of crying/no amount of whiskey/no amount of wine, no no no no no, nothing else will do, i gotta have you) wound through my brain for weeks on end this fall. there are two real duds - "suicide blonde" and "love doesn't last too long" - and this record is DEFINITELY not for everyone. but i'm going to stop apologizing for liking it and move on to what some people will consider an even more embarassing pick...
07. justin timberlake: futuresex/lovesounds - i don't care that he was on the mickey mouse club. i don't care that he was in a boy band. i don't care who he's dating and i don't care about his clothing line. i DO care about this record. it's everything you want from the pinnacle of industry music - incredible collaborations (t.i., three 6 mafia), incredible production (timbaland, rick rubin), and hooks hooks hooks. when i first heard "sexyback," i thought justin had blown his load but i bought the cd just in case. then i heard "my love" and knew this release is for REAL for real.
06. toumani diabate's symmetric orchestra: boulevard de l'independance - often when i see international music (other than british isles artists) on critics' lists i think "oh SURE tengir-too's "mountain music of kyrgyzstan" made your list*... i'm SO sure you listen to that," but this is not my stab at elitism - it really is a great album that i came across simply because of the free cds i get at work. i didn't search it out because i'm some music archeologist, but i sure am glad it crossed my desk. diabate is music royalty in mali, and he's joined by an all-star band of 50 on this cd. they open with the exuberant "toumani" and then take it down a couple notches with the slower-paced title track and "mali sadio." "africa challenge" picks the pace back up, and the mounting storm of horns and percussion on "tapha nang" are sure to find their way onto a rap record in the not-too-distant future.
05. regina spektor: begin to hope - regina crept up on me this year. credit to my sister (and her BF) again - she first played "fidelity" for me early this year, singing along with this impossible-to-sing song, and shortly thereafter that song was cemented for me as the girl-anthem of 2006. i bought the album late in the summer, gave it a cursory listen, and forgot about it for a few months. i'm glad i did, because when i rediscovered it the timing was finally right.
04. jenny lewis and the watson twins: rabbit fur coat - i listened to this album almost exclusively last winter. lewis on her own is talented, but backed by the watson twins' harmonies she really shines. it seems everyone's searching out their alt-country roots these days, and lewis's sad stories and voice lend themselves well to this cross-pollenation. the titular "rabbit fur coat" seems an obvious nod to dolly parton's "coat of many colors" but transcends pure imitation, and the "handle with care" cover (originally performed by the all-star traveling wilburys [george harrison, roy orbison, tom petty, bob dylan, and jeff lynne], it's a classic in my family) is suprising and fun - not even an appearnce by conor oberst can keep it down. standout songs include "charging sky, the," "you are what you love," and "rise up with fists!!!"
03. gnarls barkley: st. elsewhere - what can i say that hasn't been said? maybe, for anyone who doesn't know, that there's a lot more than just "crazy" here. so wait for a sunny, warm day, get in your car, roll down the windows, and start driving. start with "go go gadget gospel" and sing with cee-lo "i'm freeeee! look at me!" scroll past "crazy" to track 5, "smiley faces." make sure you're at a stoplight or stop sign, because you will need to snap your fingers on both hands to swing with this one. get rolling again with #7, "feng shui," followed by #8 "just a thought," the contemplative part of your journey. then break out of your head, pull over, and open all the windows and doors of your vehicle: you're starting a block party with #9, "transformer." it's official!
02. eric bachmann: to the races - the love of my life hits another one out of the park. this record is a clear departure from his most recent crooked fingers album (my #1 of last year - "dignity and shame"), and at first i missed the horns and dark vitality of that release. but with further listening, i realized this may be his best yet. its sparse instrumentation pushes his voice and lyrics to the fore in a way the more produced crooked fingers records can't, and the occasional vocal harmonies, provided on the record by miranda brown, ease his talents into sharper focus. the soaring "man-o-war" makes my heart ache, and in spite of all his warnings (you ain't my woman, and woman, i am not your man), i just want to be his "carrboro woman."
01. mates of state: bring it back - i haven't seen this on a single "best of '06" list anywhere on the internet, a criminal oversight! it probably wouldn't be my number 1 if not for this gross negligence, but it really is a gorgeous, crazy-fun record. the refrains of "think long," "beautiful dreamer," and "for the actor" are tailor-made for screaming along to with a ridiculous smile on your face (which i did with my friend sara at the state theater, and many times in the car throughout the summer). it really is a great album, too, with highs and lows but no songs to skip (even if i do play "think long" three times in a row before moving on).

best random find: tarkio: omnibus - tarkio was colin meloy of the decemberists former band. i randomly picked up the 2-cd "omnibus" ages ago, didn't know anything about it, and didn't listen to it till just a couple weeks ago, when i realized i liked every song and was moved to actually take a look at the liner notes. no wonder i like it!
best album i have yet to purchase: the clipse: hell hath no fury - i know i'm going to like it. i just need to buy it!

*i actually own this, but only because i got it at work - i'm sure i won't listen to it till i need some music from krgyzstan. and i really did see it on someone's list on metacritic. whatEVER!

stupid cupid

i was at a hallmark store the other day picking up thankyou notes for my christmas gifts. of course, the place is completely turned over to v.day items already - yuck! - and of course i studiously ignored it all. i go up to the counter to pay for my cards and there's a display of those cards that play music when you open them, and right there in front is a freaking johnny cash valentine's day card - it plays "ring of fire" when you open it. cam idolizes cash. he's got "a boy named sue" as his ringtone. no i did NOT buy it - it's freaking january! - but if the time comes and i need one, it's nice to know it's there. the card itself is ugly, though, so i might have to get 2. IF i even need to, of course.

in like a lion...

ok, back to business.
MARCH: things started to pick up in march. i went to a bunch of shows - belle and sebastian, reggie and the full effect, matt pond PA (by myself!), the go! team. that last one was the first test of life in the same city as my former friend, and while i felt stabbed every time i glimpsed her, it was completely manageable and i fully enjoyed the show. a visit from my ex was another milestone and test that i passed with flying colors, feeling no pangs of regret. slowly but surely i rebuilt my personal resources, surrounded by incredibly supportive friends and family. a whirlwind trip to boston capped off the month - lunch at the pru, the hockney exhibit, sambucca in the north end.

APRIL: in april i finally regained the ability to take full deep breaths without thinking about the former friend. i think the thing that finally brought me completely around was volunteering for my sister at the spca of annapolis. there's something about socializing cats, walking dogs around the trails, and matching up eager families with the perfect pets that is so rewarding, and really restored my faith in the order of things, and myself.

MAY: glasses! i finally saw an optometrist for the first time in my life, and lo and behold, i now have glasses. this month also saw the inception of SURIs - friday evening cookouts with friends from work (who are actual, true friends) in a wonderful backyard nearby, and a reconnection with some amazing old friends i thought i may have lost in the january apocalypse.

JUNE: mission accomplished, new year's resolution: race for the cure, DONE. ran it in its entirety. my time was pretty crappy, but the whole first mile we could really only shuffle due to the congestion on the road. didn't bother me a bit, though - it was a complete success. the following weekend i watched two dear friends marry one another, a gorgeous ceremony and fantastic party weekend. highlights included shutting down locos and inventing the honey huddle, a slideshow of the couple's lives, and catching up with everyone. the day after i returned i headed to ft. lauderdale for work (got to dip my toes in the ocean, hurrah!), and the following weekend psmee flew in, fabulous! in continued non-stop style, the following weekend my roommate and i drove to philadelphia to attend a BFF's housewarming. we got to meet her man, indulge in multiple pimms cups, and play kickball in the middle of the night. it was a month that really felt like summer.

JULY: ohhhh yeah, atlanta bachelorette party!!! stretch explorer, inappropriate party favors, custom-made mix, dancing and laughing and just the right level of debauchery. later that month my whole family attended a paul simon concert, complete with pre-show tailgating, singing, and dancing on a grassy hill. also attended a WUOG reunion for jocks in this area - wild! - followed by karaoke and a hungover day at work friday. worth every minute. the lowest point was saying goodbye to a friend headed for bigger and better things in chicago - i miss her still, and am awful about keeping in touch with her. there might be a new year's resolution in there for this year. fortunately, that low was quickly followed by the high of adopting my kitten, winston! i could only resist the wiles of the spca for so long.

to be continued...

happy new year!

in what has become a bit of an annual tradition, i rang in the new year with the mt. ranier crew, this time at their (cam's) place. it was a blast - dress-up (i wore this and these in rust - hands down the hottest shoes i've ever owned), friends new and old, plenty to drink but not too much. my sister and her BF breezed in just before the ball dropped, sparkly and fun, the life of the party as ever. i sent and received a billion texts, smooched cam, missed psmee, and got to sleep around 4. work was rough the next day, but i soldiered through and managed to get to the annual black-eyed-peas-and-collard-greens (peas for luck, greens for wealth) new year's day party in annapolis, hosted by my sister's BF's mom. she's an incredible woman... fabulous mom, former caterer, current elementary school teacher, and enduring the radiation stage of cancer treatment with humor and grace. this has become a can't-miss event for me. the food is delicious and inventive (black eyed peazza, peanakopita...), and the combination really seems to work, as last year was filled with both luck and wealth. i think i got a speeding ticket on the way home, but even that couldn't kill the evening for me.

in which i remember a year well spent

stole this from the blog of a friend of friends...

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? well, it's always something new at work, i definitely took on a ton of responsibilities and challenges there that were incredibly rewarding. personally, i started a blog and actually told people it exists! oh and got my tattoo, of course.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? unbelievably, i kept almost all of them. i ran not one but 2 5Ks, and running is truly a lifestyle now. i drink tons of water. i eat much more healthfully. i saved a pile of money. the only two i didn't keep were meeting with a financial planner, but i did buy (and read!) a suze orman book, and visiting maine, nashville, and philly - i went 1 for 3 on those.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? three of my best friends' sisters each had little ones, and i eagerly await the babies due in february and april to two special friends!

4. Did anyone close to you die? yes.

5. What countries did you visit?did i leave the country this year? yikes, nope. but i do have the BVI trip to look forward to in a few months.

6. What would you like to have had in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? my own home. fingers crossed for '07.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? august 26th. a lovely wedding, and an incredible sunrise.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i was going to say my running, but actually, NOT running is my biggest achievement... letting someone in is something i haven't done in ages, and it feels good.

9. What was your biggest failure? ocean city.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? nothing out of the ordinary, thank goodness.

11. What were the best things you bought? tons of plane tickets.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my grandmother's. she broke her hip and has been so incredible throughout her remarkable recovery.

13. Whose behavior appalled you? my own, on occasion. but that's getting better.

14. Where did most of your money go? food and drink and travel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? psmee's move! and i'm so excited to go to the peach bowl! and my kitten!

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? crazy by gnarls barkley - truly the song of the year. my ringtone, my philadelphia gift trip, my friend, and "who do you think you are? you really think you're in control?"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much, MUCH happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? leaner.
iii. richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? spending time with friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? working. i love it but i'm going to burn out if i don't take more time off.

20. How did you spend Christmas? at work, followed by "christmas morning" at home in annapolis with my family.

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22. Did you fall in love in 2006? no. but falling in like sure feels good.

23. How many one-night stands? none.

24. What was your favorite TV program? grey's anatomy. rob&big.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no. but i definitely lost a friend in the last year.

26. What was the best book you read? the year of magical thinking by joan didion.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? i'm starting to think it might be classic country.

28. What did you want and get? a pet! my lovely winston kitten. and diamond studs.

29. What did you want and not get? a bose wave radio. but i'm not sure i really want it.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? casino royale

31. What did you do on your birthday? yikes, i don't really remember... oh, family birthday and a small dinner with friends. i didn't really feel like celebrating this year, for some strange reason, but still felt very celebrated.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? more vacations

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? prep/punk... weird, i know. lots of jeans and chucks, way too many jcrew.com orders.

34. What kept you sane? my friends and family, hands down. and two quick therapy sessions.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? sophia bush, total girlcrush, though it's pretty over now.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? i plead the fifth.

37. Who did you miss? my former friend's husband.

38. Who was the best new person you met? did i meet new people this year? oh! probably my workfriend's BF, steve.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. i can't be friends with everyone, and that is ok. sometimes it's for the best.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: i thought it was going to be "i am going to make it through this year if it kills me" but that was really just the first half. for the second half, maybe "i never loved nobody fully/always one foot on the ground/and by protecting myself truly/i got lost in the sounds i hear in my mind"

addendum

ok, so that b word? done. he used the corresponding g word a couple times over the weekend as a descriptor - it's such an easy shorthand - and i relented. after hearing him describe to a childhood friend of mine how he pursued me ("i came after her! seriously..."), how could i not? after another friend of mine told me about how she jokingly said to him "she's such a bitch," and he responded with complete incredulity, "what?! she's an angel bunny!" how could i not? after unwrapping an incredibly thoughtful gift that reminds me of him every morning, how could i not?

dish

a couple of you have been looking for more info on the man of mystery who's been haunting my last couple of posts. i finally feel like talking about him (the short story, anyway), so i guess today's your lucky day!

he's a friend of my sister's from high school - they actually went to her senior year homecoming dance together, so when he called me in october to invite me to a november wedding, i accepted easily, since i've known him for ages. i didn't think much of it, but then at a halloween party a few days later it quickly devolved (evolved?) into makeout central, and since then we've been seeing each other with accelerating frequency. he could not be kinder, nor more tolerant of my neuroses.

he also couldn't be hotter, or more "my type," apparently. i wasn't really aware that i had a type, but yesterday my sister called my attention to my myspace profile, where i list "who i'd like to meet." that list is lavar arrington, eric bachmann, and todd ashley. lavar's a former redskin and pretty much the coolest guy in the nfl. if you know me and don't know who bachmann is, check here. todd ashley is the one in the middle of this photo. he had a show on mtv called "fast inc." that i thought would be a dud but quickly became obsessed with thanks to ashley (that happens to me a lot - somehow mtv's always got my number. i thought rob&big looked awful when they first started promoting it, but i flipping love that show. that's a story for another blog, however). so this new guy (henceforth known as cam, because he also resembles volchek from the OC, plus it's a car word, something to do with engines) is a shockingly accurate mashup of bachmann and ashley, from looks (blonde, receding hairline, lanky, astonishing blue eyes, tattoos, general roguishness), to interests (cars, engines, music, outlaw living), and even demeanor, at least at first blush. i had no idea i was so predictable!

the best thing about cam, however, isn't how he looks - it's who he is. he's generous and affectionate and romantic, he's got a million interests that i'm quickly learning about, and he seems to think the world of me. i'm not ready for the "b" word yet, but he promises me all the time i need to get there. and that's what makes me like him most of all.

bad girl/good girl

a couple of weeks ago i acted rashly. it seems i've been doing that a lot lately (see previous post)! for some, my behavior amounts to just another night in a bar but it was fairly out of character for me.

two weeks ago, psmee and i booked tickets for a fabulous vacation. naturally, after said booking we felt the urge to celebrate, so we headed out to the strip of bars near her place to toast our future travels and make plans for bikini purchases. the first place we went to was an odd duck - irish name, asian staff, country&western music on the speakers. it had a short bar populated by a couple of regulars and a row of invitingly empty stools. after a couple of beers and a lot of chatter we were ready for something a little more raucous, so we moved on. our second choice was far more typical for the area - loud, dark, and packed with hill types. miraculously, psmee ferreted out two empty stools on the corner of the bar. so we laid claim and ordered another round.

not five minutes later there was a guy at my elbow, chatting me up. in my typical fashion, i sort of halfway responded to his questions, not interested in him, but not interested in being rude, either. plus, there's always something intriguing about getting hit on, no matter what the guy looks like - it's like, what's going to come out of his mouth next? what's his motivation here? what did he see in me that made him think we should be talking? proximity? an obvious point of commonality? attraction? it's an interesting game, and you know they're playing it too, so it's not cruel. this time around i kept drawing blanks - he was dressed very differently from me, and i was taller than him, and we didn't seem to have anything in common (although it later turned out i know a friend of one of the guys he was with - but that was a surprise coincidence). so we keep talking, and psmee starts talking to some hoodlums, and everything's funny, just another random bar night, and next thing i know this guy's making some bet with psmee about how many questions he can answer "right" in my eyes - at some threshold of correctly answered questions, i have to kiss him. by this point i'm completely confident that i won't hear the answers i'm looking for, so i agree. psmee sandbags me, though, lobbing softball after softball at this guy! she would probably disagree - to be fair, there were some real questions in there - but the fact remains that i lost the bet.

i'm a raised-right kind of girl, so i have to honor my commitment, and do so, there in the bar. i pay in full and then some, and next thing i know he's talking about how he wants to see me again and i'm not on that page, so i tell him he's "not my type," thinking that

a. this is true, and
b. it's a nice way to let someone down - it's no one's fault, it doesn't mean he's bad or ugly or not cool or stupid, it just means he's not for me.

he presses me, and dumb drunk girl that i am, the only reason i can give him is that he's not "edgy" enough - the world's dumbest answer, but what i meant was that most guys who catch my eye aren't wearing buttondowns and leather boots - really nice clothes, true, but not my speed. a superficial judgment to be sure, but come on! it's a bar hookup! anyway, one thing leads to another and next thing i know we're all headed back to psmee's place, then her door is closed and he and i are on the couch, and... good grief! so he starts talking about calling me, seeing me again, etc but i repeat my "not my type" protest, and he's having none of it. finally, we exchange numbers but since he knows there's someone else (who'd been texting me that night... he's going to need a name of some sort, but for now, know he's the one in the picture these days), he says he's not going to call me - if i want to see him, i have to call him, but i should know, he really wants to hear from me. i, of course, agree - perfect, right? so i drop him off, drive home, and delete his number from my phone just in case i'm tempted - i've got a good thing going and a tendency to self-sabotage (duh, why did i make out with this random stranger when i have a sweetie?), it's not about him. i feel guilty the next morning, and by saturday night i've confessed my sins to the boy, he responds in the best possible way, and i wash my hands of the whole thing.

tuesday, i receive this text:
"I can be edgy."

!!!!!!

no i did not write back.

GUESS WHO'S GOING TO THE PEACH BOWL?!

OHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!! I AM!!!!

a longtime bff of mine is a student at virginia tech, so it means i'll be in their student section, but who the hell cares? i'm going to scream my head off for the dawgs! i'm going to eat chicken sandwiches falling from the sky! i'm going to be in atlanta for 18 hours!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAWGS! SIC 'EM!

you threw a fire, i threw a spark

whoa.

you say you never date girls who are smarter than you, i say we're two kinds of smart. i might have a big vocabulary, but you can fix a car. if i'd spent six years at school learning how to do that i STILL wouldn't understand those things like you do.

you like joe gibbs for onereason. i like him for another. close enough.

you say, "what if one night when you came home from work, i was on your front steps, waiting for you?"

i say bring it on.

fallout

FEBRUARY: the shortest month, but the longest for me. the january apocalypse colored everything. i look at my planner for that and only one thing stands out: my appointment with dr. good. i was in a deep, dark depression unlike any other i've ever experienced, questioning absolutely everything about myself and my capacities to love and be loved. it was an awful, black black month. but dr. good cut to the chase and told me i really didn't belong there, and by march things started looking up, some.

a good year

on the eve of the last month of 2006, i realized that this has been one of the best years of my life, if not the best. i feel more present than i ever have. i know that sounds very new agey and ridiculous, but what i mean is that i have a clarity of reflection i don't recall from years gone by - i remember each month distinctly and somehow feel more whole as a result. i'm going to consult my planner to help with this little exercise, but it's just a gentle reminder of the months gone by, rather than a play-by-play of my daily life.
JANUARY: in and out with a bang, polar opposites. new year's morning i woke up surrounded by friends like a pile of puppies, cozy in my sister's adorable downtown studio. my head was pleasantly fuzzy with the excess of the night before, smooches and bourbon and fireworks casting a glow around me that insulated me against the grey day outside. i woke up earlier than anyone else and walked the half a block to the water, perched on a bench, and thought about the year to come. i was pumped - happy job, happy family, happy friends. my peace was shattered at the end of the month, however, when i had the most horrific breakup i've ever had. ever.

i'm still not sure what i want to say about that so i'm going to leave it there for a minute, but i'll be back with february, hopefully tomorrow.

jb vs. winston SMACKDOWN